What Fear Breeds
I had a lot of topics that I wanted to write about this week, but I chalked them all up to being impersonal to me. This is a blog, on my website, about me… so clearly the topics should revolve around myself. Only a month ago, I had stated everything I wanted to accomplish in 2024, and I set the bar pretty high. Already, I can see that I won’t meet that goal, and honestly, I gave up for a while.
If you don’t know, and hopefully this won’t impede my future job search, I have depression and pretty severe anxiety. My heart gets pretty easily affected by my anxiety, and some days I feel miserable. Plus it probably doesn’t help that I rebound on and off my medication pretty frequently. My grandfather died at the age of 40 due to heart complications and while I hope that won’t be the same for me, it really puts a ticking time bomb on this precious thing we call life.
I don’t want to write this as an excuse to feel sad for me because in all honestly, this is something I never wanted to tell anyone, but here we are. As you may or may not know, I am a first-year RA (Resident Assistant). Recently, I sat down with a resident of my neighborhood and just started conversing with her about topics including philosophy, film, creation, purpose, emotions, and overall an evaluation of our lives. While I did most of the listening, she inspired me (I think without even knowing it) to pick myself up. While it’s going to be a lot of hard work and a lot of re-evaluating, I think I have finally felt for the first time that I am in control of my life, for better or worse.
I’m going to dedicate time to things that matter to me:
YouTube
Film
Philosophy
Martial Arts
Spreading Compassion
And so many more topics. I have a major fear of failure, something I know is going to hold me back if I don’t conquer it soon. I haven’t stuck with much my whole life, but wouldn’t it be interesting to see what could come from it: Success, Failure, Nothing…
There’s only one way to find out. It’s hard, and it’s only going to get harder, but I know that with a clear focus, and a little curiosity, I will be able to live the life I want, even if I don’t entirely know what that is. I hope you stick around and see what I do, and I hope it inspires you just a little bit.
